Feeding My Passion

I have friends who tell me about their relationships, especially when their relationships are challenging for them. It has happened so often over the years, ever since junior high school, that I take it for granted with my native English-speaking friends, even in Korea. But recently a Korean friend confided in me, and her trust has definitely given me a new appreciation for the trust my friends have placed in me. I can’t possibly take her trust for granted.

Besides the goal of having a healthier relationship with her boyfriend or with herself, she doesn’t appear to have any ulterior motives for telling me. And I’m very taken with my wonderful girlfriend, even long-distance, so I have no ulterior motives for being a sympathetic ear and offering my experience as a possible guide. I want my friends to be happy. That’s it.

I was in an unhappy relationship for years, and I’ll take most of the blame for the many problems that made it an unhappy one. It would be deeply satisfying to know my past difficulties helped my friends avoid some of their own.

So for their trust and for whatever that’s in me allows them to open up to me, I express my gratitude.

Love is the strongest force the world possesses, and yet it is the humblest imaginable ~ Mahatma Gandhi

Love is my religion – I could die for that. ~ John Keats

I don’t believe in much, but I do believe in the power of love to transform each of us, individually, and people as couples, families, communities, and so on. I know that if everyone in the world felt the bittersweet, tender, fearless, electric touch of love just once in their lives, they would be changed forever, and the world would be changed, forever.

I guess my life has been about love, many peoples’ lives probably are about love, the search for it, the discovery of it, the loss of it, the sacrifices we make for it, denying it, resisting it, giving into it, feeling it towards ourselves, feeling it for others, celebrating it, transforming it, receiving it, accepting it, being overwhelmed by it. I think whether we know it now or ever, or can admit it, love is the engine and the center of our universe.

The sun seems to be peeking through the clouds, but it could just be the persistent California sun in the cloudless sky. The twinge seems to be so much smaller, less twisting and permanent than before.

When the emotional shit hit the emotional fan on Sunday, and I was alone, driving along the highway by myself, I realized very quickly I had to sit still emotionally, and force myself to enjoy the (typically) perfect weather, or I would have been driving off the road and honking the horn in regular 1 second intervals because I’d be punching it. Repeatedly. I stayed.

And now, after a little more kind and honest conversation, I feel…less of the thing that has been poisoning me, and more of the sun inside of me.

But it will be quite a while until I trust someone with my heart again, because I don’t want to give it in dribs and drabs, I want to feel everything I did before, and more. Otherwise what’s the point?

Friday night, October 2, marked the end of another phase in my life. It’s been a difficult few of months, years really. At this point, after a painful breakup and the realization that I’m not ready to run a kitchen despite my best efforts, I’m exploring my options.

First, it’s time to finish my degree. After that, I have some direction, but no real purpose yet. I think those are two very different things, the former having to do with the mind, the latter to do with the heart. For me, the heart is much more important, essential for living long term.

Stay tuned…